Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
