Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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