you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
