It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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