you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
