last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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