A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sober January is a disaster.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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