explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize