i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
