I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Still dying that you shit outside
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
