i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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