Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
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I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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