did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
