Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
