don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
