just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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