So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wish you could order shots online.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
please don't ironically join a cult
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