I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
