Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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