hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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