Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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