I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
