The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
