If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
