well I can't set my house on fire every night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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