If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
