Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were trust falling into bushes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
