i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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