I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
