her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
