drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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