There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i dont even know how to be here
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The uberlube is also flammable
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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