HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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