I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
