I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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