I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
