You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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