I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
