Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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