My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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