somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize