I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
