I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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