He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
