hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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