After last night, I could never be a politician.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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