remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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