I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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