just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
