During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
accomplished twins. life is a go
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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