where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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