He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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