pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
