TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
