guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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