I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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