sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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