so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize