By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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