she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
